Real Helpful

Today is a dark dark dark day.

Today Wednesday, I received a mark for my postgraduate studies.

My choreography paper.

I did not do well.

I know people say marks do not matter. That they are just a number. They count for nothing in the real world.

I disagree as I cry onto my laptop.

And I am going to be honest with you. I always am but I mean I keep some thing private.

This was  part of a secret list and now it isn’t.

Hell these tears are thick and I am just getting more upset the more I write about this.

Feel free to play some sort of sad music is the back ground. Level with me people.

So whats the big deal Seren?

Well Seren you got your lowest grade ever.

A solid B-

Now most of you in the tertiary realm understand that sometimes that you can recover from this. But this shit storm is just getting better and better.

This was for a choreography paper. I have never received a grade lower than A-. You know why. Because I fucking like it. I love it. And I do bloody good in it.

APPARENTLY NOT.

There are two three things you need to know.

  1. I am still crying, slipping into the angry stage.
  2. This could of been avoided.
  3. I no longer qualify for any further postgraduate studies or scholarships.

Points 2 & 3 are important.

It could of been avoided because we had a feedback session. In that feedback session I was not informed that my work. WHICH WAS FINISHED. Was not for filing the criteria.

Reading my feedback now. I get where I went wrong but this could of been avoided. As in I could of passed really FUCKING well. Yes I deserved the mark. I can admit that but I could of been guided to a better place. It really does not take much.

Teacher: Seren have you thought about having a conversation instead of just talking AT him?

Seren: Now thats an idea, but why?

T: Because you have to for the assessment.

S: Okay, I will do that.

T: Awesome.

S:  Sweet.

Yes I am now mad.

Because this did not happen.  I was told that I should explore the choreography of the table. Not the construction of the script.

So this thing people call a GPA is rather important though. You can get money for free for a high GPA. As in, money you can do the things you want with.

Not for me any more. I have always been very realistic. It makes me a very real person. I understand that it is possible to get an A+ but not for every assignment. Not for me.

Why? Life, shit happens and though you try your damn hardest things happen.

However you give your all at the time and to the best of your abilities you aim for the A+ because you can. You have the smarts.

But listen here. I just got a B- and even if I did get an A+ for the rest of the year I still would not qualify for masters. And no masters means no doctorate.

And that means I will never ever ever be Dr. Seren Powell-Jones.

Now I am crying again.

Fuck.

Let me wipe my tears with my assessment because that is all I can do.

You know I got an 3/4 page of feedback. And I have read it 9 times. I have written all over it and made my own notes. I even wrote that I am a failure.

As far as I know I got the lowest mark in my class.

THIS IS MEANT TO BE WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE GUYS.

And I got a B-.

I have come to understand this.

3/4 of a page of feedback is as good as a band aid for a dead person. Real helpful.

Dead people don’t need them.

The only reason you have given me this page is to justify the grade you gave me.

BUT YOU COULD OF SAID THIS BEFORE THE FUCKING ASSESSMENT.

Breathe.

Cry.

Breathe some more.

No more PHD Seren.

Just finish the year. Go off. Do some shit.

Write some stuff. Make sense of this.

Find clarity.

Be angry over your GPA for forever.

Yes.

Great.

Lovely.

*curls into a ball and cries some more*

So I am just going to leave this on the internet and go write my methodologies chapter and well yeah.

 

Published by

serenpowelljones

A pretty sassy 23-year-old​ living in Auckland.

2 thoughts on “Real Helpful”

Leave a Reply to serenpowelljones Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.