So the following is a real story.
Sorry in advance mum and dad.
It was a late evening and I was at home.
My phone went off.
I had a Tinder notification.
Let’s call him Max.
Max and I had been talking for a few days, he moved to Auckland a few months ago. Left a longterm relationship, back in his hometown which turns out to be on the other side of the world.
We moved off tinder to KIC. Which for those of you who don’t know, is an app that works exactly like Messenger but you don’t have to give over your name.
Now you might be thinking, “Seren, why would you do that?”. Because Max was not relationship material. Not to me.
Standing at over 6 foot (at least that is what his bio said) and having an accent his downfall was that he the brains of a slow lorris.
Now before you get your judgement pants on and take the road of thinking you are better than me. I will remind you that everyone has a moment when their needs outweigh their rationale (and by rational I mean their sex drive is far more powerful than their standards)
The conversation had veered away from the usual “so what did you do today?” to the “what are you doing tonight ;)”
Then he gave me his address.
On a nice side note and safety tip, if you are going around to essentially a strangers house here are my tips.
- give that address to two different people.
- go to their house (you can always leave, just not from your own place)
- park your car 2 mins away from the location.
- wear flat shoes.
- know where the exits are and what the locks look like.
- don’t actually let your guard down.
- keep your phone on loud.
The internet gave me these and I am thankful for the internet as this story will back these hot tips up.
So I sent this address to my best friends and thought I’ll just get a little dressed up. Not for him but for me, dude was lucky I was even coming over. As I was applying some mascara my phone went off quite a few time.
It was, of course, Max because all the other men in my life were sleeping. Turns our boys need far more sleep than girls. But not our mate Max.
He was asking me how long I was going to be.
I had looked his address up, he was a 6-minute drive. So I told him 40 minutes. Because this isn’t Uber Eats.
He told me that it was too long. I told him either wait 40 minutes or wait for forever.
Then he asked me how I was getting to his.
I said on a magic carpet.
Time ticked passed, I grabbed my keys, phone and wallet and headed out the door at 11.45pm at night.
And at 11.51pm I was about 1.5km from his house and I told him I was just finding a park. For the 6 minute drive, I had been ignoring his messages about if I was actually coming.
I parked and the first warning sign came on. QUITE LITERALLY.
My engine light came on in my car. I thought to myself, welp you are already here, it is better the car goes completely cold before you drive it again and in the morning just sort it out. So I jumped out of my car and started to walk toward Max.
When I arrived, he meets me outside and gave me a quick hug before ushering me through the front door.
It was a simple lock and I duly noted that.
He showed me through to his room. Which was a mess.
I had given the dude 40 minutes and the only thing he had done in that time was piss me off and make his bed.
Don’t worry though, I asked him why he hadn’t cleaned his room.
“Oh I have just moved to Auckland and I have been really busy at work.”
Mate, you moved here months ago and then there were 40 minutes I had graced you with.
He asked me if I wanted a drink, I said a water because I was driving home tonight. Establishing that you aren’t hanging around after this is all over is great.
We started talking and Max was funny as it turns out. Nervous as hell but funny. I felt like he had Parkinson’s when he tucked the bit of hair out of my face.
So as you can imagine one thing was leading to another when I was sitting on top of him with no shirt on and my phone started to get a call.
I grabbed my phone and it was someone important.
This was warning sign number two.
But yes, you are damn right in thinking I answered it, in my bra, jeans unbuttoned and on top of a boy.
Now before you start thinking “poor Max”, the dude was loving it. As I established why I was being called late at night, Max was all over me like a rash.
At one point I shoved his head down into the pillow, glared at him and kept my hand on his forehead whilst I tried to finish the conversation.
It is just as funny as you can picture.
I did apologize but I can assure you Max was incredibly unbothered. With a half naked girl on top of you its hard to get angry.
So we picked up where we left off. Phone call over. Hand off his forehead.
And then I asked that beautiful question.
“Do you have a condom?”
And mate, you could drop a pin and hear it on his carpeted floor it went that quiet.
“Oh, um, no.”
To which I replied, “you are fucking with me right?”
“I will message my flatmate to see if he has any.”
Now, this was warning sign number three. The universe was trying to tell me to run. And I needed a game plan to get the fuck outta there.
“Can I use your bathroom whilst we wait on a reply?”
So I jumped out of bed, got FULLY dressed, socks and all. Smiled and went to the bathroom.
And I started thinking, quickly. I flushed the toilet I didn’t use, washed my hands because it needed to be a believable performance on my part and walked back into his room.
“I think I have a condom in my car, I left a bag from town in the back seat and that should have one.”
The light in his eyes was blinding. He sat up.
“Yep, I will just have to go and grab it.”
Saying that I pick up my wallet, keys and grab my phone.
Turned on my heels and gapped it for the front door whilst sliding on my flat shoes at speed.
Simple lock. Got it.
I literally ran away from him as he lay there naked.
But then I heard running and shuffling.
Looking back down the hallway he is pulling on pants saying how he will come with me.
I am holding the door open right now with a half-naked man looking at me like a dog about to go on a walk.
“I parked a while away.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because you could be a psychopath.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“I know but the car is a bit of a walk away so if you want to come you will need shoes and a shirt.”
“Why did you park so far away?”
“Because I did.”
“You aren’t ditching me are you?”
“No, no, I will get my jog on to the car and park closer when I come back, I’ll be like 5 minutes I reckon, just leave the front door unlocked and I will meet you in bed.”
“Okay, see you soon, be careful!”
I smiled and headed out the door, where I got my jog on, carefully of course.
Jumped in my car, I deleted KIC, unmatched him from tinder and deleted the app from my phone and told my best friends that I had a good story for them in the AM.
Unsure if Max’s front door is still unlocked or if he is still waiting for me but he does like to try to add me on Instagram every now and then. After his third attempt to DM me I decided to block him.
Moral of this story is: don’t be like Max, clean your room, have protection and don’t ask dumb questions.