Personally I think there is nothing worse than something that is bittersweet. Nothing seems to make me angry and deep with rage than bittersweet.
I mean the definition of the damn word is a let down:
when something is good but there is a bad part about it
I’m a girl who doesn’t get too angry all the time but some things are just stupid. For example:
- People who label sale items wrong and they are more expensive than written. (You can bully sales people into a better price but don’t be that kid. Retail people hate you for it.)
- Going to the supermarket and they don’t have anything you want. Just the things you are trying to avoid. Regular occurrence in Auckland countdown.
- Getting cheap flights and booking them. Then missing a choreographic workshop because your not allowed to miss the first day. FML. (This may be the point of the article)
- Working valentines day. Hard pass.
- Having uneven eyebrows. Even when you try fix them. Blah blah they are sisters not twins. I WANT TWINS DAMN IT.
- Baking great looking cupcakes. They taste like crap and sit there teasing and laughing at you.
There are many things that are bittersweet. But the list above really just bugs me. Yes I just wrote an article on being thankful. Really it is not ideal. But I shall pull out a saying I rolled around with at the end of high school.
NEGAF: Not even giving a fuck.
I think really I am just a little tired and frustrated. No actually I’m hella frustrated. Not even Beyonce can calm me. I mean give it half an hours and I will be cool calm and collected. I will understand that the sweet out weights the bitter and its nothing a cup of tea and a tequila shot with a dash of laughter can not fix.
WRITING OUT THE POSITIVES.
Freshly painted nails.
Humidity is 57%
It is Friday.
Right, good work team. Great chat. Let me know what is bittersweet for you. Either on here or on Facebook, tumblr or don’t. Thats cool too.
So for once Auckland was slightly less warm than usual. Which meant to my flat “The Hot Box” being less hot and all activities being less painful and a lot less sticky. So I was sitting on the bus that was slowing chilling me from the outside in. So for once I was able to day dream and not think about how hot I was. Now I am huge on day dreaming. Could do it all day if it was needed. I mean I even did a choreographic piece on day dreaming. You see I was thinking about how only a select few say thank you to the bus driver when they hop off. So this is how my day dream went, stay with me okay?
Saying thank you to a bus driver
And thats where it stopped. Long right? I then started to gather all the weird things I am thankful for.
- Polite neighbours with adorable children.
- Cold weather.
- Cookies and cream ice cream.
- Flat mates who make me laugh.
- Good banter.
- Swimming in rivers.
Its only fair that I say these are only a few. I suppose that I was thinking about very random things and slightly concentrating on the fact that my physiotherapist had just stuck needles in my butt because thats how you fix a broken Seren.
So I finally made it to the CBD and as I hopped off the bus I said thank you to my bus driver and walked to my apartment entrance. I then thought about how much my life has changed since I first moved away from Nelson (my home town). I thought about how I could never move back for good. Not right now. That I had grown too big for that tiny town. I guess I am thankful I grew up there and now I see the appeal of raising a family there. But thats a long way off. About 10 years.
So be thankful is what I guess I am trying to say. For the weird things. Or at least go and have a day dream.
I was sitting in the park eating my brown rice, salmon and avocado sushi when it occurred to me the last time I had thought about my Ex Boyfriend. Now don’t get me wrong, you wont find me thinking about my past boyfriend all the time. But I can’t straight out lie and say I never think of him. So there I was, ‘enjoying’ Auckland’s heat (which is just humidity on steroids) and I caught myself deep within thought about how that damn boy is. What would he be doing on a Friday afternoon and where he was with his life plans. What one should note is that my Ex and I don’t talk. We aren’t friends on Facebook and I am 99% certain he blocked me on instagram. (Took that to heart way more than I should of). But for you to understand where we both are in our lives and for this to add up to something then you need some background information. There will be those of you who know who I am talking about and in no way is this to shame or hurt him. Just understand this:
- We were together for a year and a half.
- We lived 504km apart and felt every single bit of distance.
- We saw each other face to face every three months.
- We were both very busy people.
- We broke up because we were on different paths.
He was/is the most amazing guy. I hold no bitterness towards him and do wish him the best in life. I am not angry nor do I get upset at him for not wanting to have a friendship. I do wish he would just let me know that he is okay. Wishful thinking right? But out of the ashes this is what he has taught me:
- There is not enough hours in the day. No matter how much you time manage.
- Distance is no excuse not to have a relationship.
- Communication is key. If its a call, text, letter, skype, facebook just send it.
- Sometimes you have to be the grown up in the situation. And sometimes that sucks.
- Go out for dinner. Don’t stop courting one another. Dress up and be nervous like that first date.
- Be sure you know who you are before the relationship. Its who you are at the end of it all.
- Be open. With the past, with ideas, with resolutions, with help.
- Keep going. Don’t stop because it gets a bit hard.
- Pancakes can be eaten at any time of the day.
- People do genuinely care.
Reflecting on my past relationship I remind myself that these lessons were taught to me during the partnership and when it came apart seam by seam. What we had was amazing but it wouldn’t of lasted a life time because we were both very strong people with big life goals. It was just that these goals were on a trajectory heading further and further away from one another.
Now, like I said we don’t talk. There are certain days were he will be on my mind because of reason I don’t wish to disclose. I do offer an olive branch on these days not hoping for a friendship, but as a gentle reminder that I am still here to talk. We were best friends at the end of it all.
So where does this leave us now? From what I know (I keep an ear close to the ground) my Ex Boyfriend is busy, healthy and with that I would assume happy. So thats where I will leave it. Take what you want from your past relationship and turn it into lessons for life. Otherwise it was a waste. And we don’t want that do we?
The Human Body
I went looking for an ideal body to work towards. I scrolled through Tumblr, Instagram and a few other places and as I was scrolling I thought to myself that these girls were stunning, truly they had worked for their bodies. Now I know that I have a good body but what girl doesn’t want to be a goddess. When I was naively looking I wasn’t searching for envy or “thin-spriation” just some motivation and what I feel I could get.
I got bored and rolled through my news feed and what I saw made me laugh to myself. We will get back to why this made me giggle out loud after I explain a few thing.
- I am a dancer. I study dance at The University of Auckland.
- My body is my tool of employment.
- I don’t treat my body as a temple and I know I should.
- I have a fast metabolism.
- My idea of the “ideal body” image has changed.
- As long as I am healthy then I am happy.
So scrolling through Facebook as I was, there I saw a girl who did my degree. She is fit, strong and happy with her body though she is working on it. (Hence her full body photo as progress shots). Now she was not anything close to my “ideal body”. She was beautiful though. What made me outwardly laugh though was that her body was what she needed for her lifestyle. This gal is active every single day. She eats her greens and she truly treats her body like a temple. She wasn’t thin. She was built, and good on her. I had a moment of realizing that my body wont ever look “ideal”. It honestly wont.
- My legs are powerful, they have muscles to do a job of taking me through the air.
- My arms have definition. Because they have to carry the weight of myself and someone else sometimes.
- My stomach isn’t dead flat. It doesn’t have abs though either. It is the power station of my control and stability.
- My lungs. Cardio. I have little of. I do not need it. It works its way to be as much as needed per show.
- My feet. Well they have a job to do and there is no point trying to make them pretty when I rip them up everyday.
I have a dancing body. It has a job. I work it to each show, job, contract. What happens between those times is up to my diet and how well my body recovers.
What I now have burnt into the backs of my eyelids is that “you only have one body make it last”. As I write this I am currently on the couch. Confided to this one place. On the 26th of January I did something to my back/nerve/leg/buggered myself. Went to the hospital-yes I did a good job. I have a week of work, two specialist appointments and another doctors appointments. The one thing keeping me from doing all the things; work, dance, run, workout. Is that if I do not take care of my body now I wont have a body to work with for the rest of my life. For a 20 year old, thats PRETTY BIG.
So whilst I sit here and type, think about your actions and if your body will last a life time. Re-think your ‘ideal body’. See what your lifestyle really requires you to look like.
Mastering city life can be a little tricky but if you can do these 5 things, then congratulations on being a well established gal.
- Be able to go for lunch by herself and not feel embarrassed. I think that there is nothing sweeter than watching a girl sit in a cafe and just be herself whilst having a coffee and a bagel.
- Baking. Straight and simple baking. Coming from a girl from a small town. Filling an apartment full of the smell of brownies. Nothing can compare and make one feel more at home.
- Your “other hand” nails. I’m right handed and mastering painting my left hand has been one of the greatest challenges.
- Know when to be delicate and when to be a bad ass. If someone bumps into you on the main street is no reason to cry however if your room mates have not cleaned their dishes in 3 weeks that when you put your foot down. Your not a animal.
- To live independently from family and friends. No financial help. No constant checking up. No google. To know the answer to a problem without having to ask for help.