I didn’t have time to kill myself

On the morning of Tuesday the 31st of June. I wanted to kill myself.

I would’ve killed myself. It was earlyish. Like 7.03am. Not that I was paying attention. I checked my phone.

Rolled over in my empty double bed and cried. Like the ugly cry that takes your face and turns it into a demon.

Then I was calm. I sniffled and for the first time in months my head was clear. As if someone had wiped the inside of my mind clean.

This clarity was beautiful. I understood why I had been given all these problems. I was being tested and as crazy as I sounds I laughed as I walked to my cupboard.

I unlocked it and pulled out my medicine box. Yes I have one. Currently out of plasters. But that is another problem. Back to this.

No one was up. The house was silent and cold. Like my soul.

*seriously I have a stupid sense of humour*

I sat on my bed and my bed did that stupid thing where it doesn’t sit level to the ground. Felt bad because my fat ass had probably just woken up my flat mate. I rummage through all my stuff.

Things for inflammatory, UTI’s, headaches, stomach ulcers , some deep heat. I poured all the pills out onto my bed and looked at my options. Which wasn’t a lot. I did math for the first time that week and it was not going to be enough. It wouldn’t kill me. I would just be sick with a sore tummy. I mean I aint no pharmacist or doctor but I do have a degree which means I have some logic and these pills were not going to do it.

I am not the type of suicidal person who can cut my wrist open. I don’t like pain. Ironic right. And I sure as hell cannot tie a knot to wrap around my neck. Brownies and Guides did nothing really expect teach me that their cookies are amazing.

So I got up. Replied to emails. Sent out one SOS texts.

I would’ve killed myself but

1. I didn’t have the ‘right’ pills

2. I didn’t have time.

Dressed, I left my house. Got a coffee and did #takeovertuesday for the University of Auckland NICAI instagram page. I just go on with the morning. I took a selfie that clearly shows massive bags under my eyes with a stupid smile on my face. FAKE AS FUCK BRO.

I got on the bus, walked to university where I proceeded to just get on with it. The point of this blog post isn’t the fact that I was going to kill myself, though it seems really scary. The point is I just switched brains. I went and did my day with only one soul knowing that I wanted to kill myself.

I gave a girl directions to Queen Street as it poured with rain, I wrote 1200 words, attened 2 rehearsals, posted 6 photos, drank 3 coffees, packed 4 bags and cried a bit more. I also wrote this post but you won’t be seeing it till much later because I don’t like when people coddle me. No thank you. Please.

So reading this know that I am alive. Busy. But alive.

Real Helpful

Today is a dark dark dark day.

Today Wednesday, I received a mark for my postgraduate studies.

My choreography paper.

I did not do well.

I know people say marks do not matter. That they are just a number. They count for nothing in the real world.

I disagree as I cry onto my laptop.

And I am going to be honest with you. I always am but I mean I keep some thing private.

This was  part of a secret list and now it isn’t.

Hell these tears are thick and I am just getting more upset the more I write about this.

Feel free to play some sort of sad music is the back ground. Level with me people.

So whats the big deal Seren?

Well Seren you got your lowest grade ever.

A solid B-

Now most of you in the tertiary realm understand that sometimes that you can recover from this. But this shit storm is just getting better and better.

This was for a choreography paper. I have never received a grade lower than A-. You know why. Because I fucking like it. I love it. And I do bloody good in it.

APPARENTLY NOT.

There are two three things you need to know.

  1. I am still crying, slipping into the angry stage.
  2. This could of been avoided.
  3. I no longer qualify for any further postgraduate studies or scholarships.

Points 2 & 3 are important.

It could of been avoided because we had a feedback session. In that feedback session I was not informed that my work. WHICH WAS FINISHED. Was not for filing the criteria.

Reading my feedback now. I get where I went wrong but this could of been avoided. As in I could of passed really FUCKING well. Yes I deserved the mark. I can admit that but I could of been guided to a better place. It really does not take much.

Teacher: Seren have you thought about having a conversation instead of just talking AT him?

Seren: Now thats an idea, but why?

T: Because you have to for the assessment.

S: Okay, I will do that.

T: Awesome.

S:  Sweet.

Yes I am now mad.

Because this did not happen.  I was told that I should explore the choreography of the table. Not the construction of the script.

So this thing people call a GPA is rather important though. You can get money for free for a high GPA. As in, money you can do the things you want with.

Not for me any more. I have always been very realistic. It makes me a very real person. I understand that it is possible to get an A+ but not for every assignment. Not for me.

Why? Life, shit happens and though you try your damn hardest things happen.

However you give your all at the time and to the best of your abilities you aim for the A+ because you can. You have the smarts.

But listen here. I just got a B- and even if I did get an A+ for the rest of the year I still would not qualify for masters. And no masters means no doctorate.

And that means I will never ever ever be Dr. Seren Powell-Jones.

Now I am crying again.

Fuck.

Let me wipe my tears with my assessment because that is all I can do.

You know I got an 3/4 page of feedback. And I have read it 9 times. I have written all over it and made my own notes. I even wrote that I am a failure.

As far as I know I got the lowest mark in my class.

THIS IS MEANT TO BE WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE GUYS.

And I got a B-.

I have come to understand this.

3/4 of a page of feedback is as good as a band aid for a dead person. Real helpful.

Dead people don’t need them.

The only reason you have given me this page is to justify the grade you gave me.

BUT YOU COULD OF SAID THIS BEFORE THE FUCKING ASSESSMENT.

Breathe.

Cry.

Breathe some more.

No more PHD Seren.

Just finish the year. Go off. Do some shit.

Write some stuff. Make sense of this.

Find clarity.

Be angry over your GPA for forever.

Yes.

Great.

Lovely.

*curls into a ball and cries some more*

So I am just going to leave this on the internet and go write my methodologies chapter and well yeah.

 

My teeth fell out.

I closed my mouth and that is when the crunch happened. My tongue rippled through my mouth collecting all the shards of broken bone that my body had rejected and spat them out into my hands. I am 21 and these are meant to be permanent. And they are currently sitting in my hand. Then my tongue traced my mouth and found a tooth that had fallen apart and was now sitting as a sharp very tender reminder that I had done this to myself. But then on the other side of my bottom jaw I could taste metal which meant I was bleeding. I walked to the mirror, opened my mouth and gently pulled against my tooth that should be strong in my gum and it lifted. The blood pooled in its place and then trickled into the space where my tongue  sat. The shards of tooth were sitting in my hand and my lips were red with blood. I thought about how much this is going to cost me, that I am meant to have perfect teeth yet right now I am holding bits of them and I can not put them back together. A wave of anxiety rush over me.

 

Then I woke up. I was staring at a very grey sky and my heart was in my throat. I ran my tongue over my teeth, carefully at first then all at once because they were all there.  I grabbed my dream diary (yes I have one, there is some really strange stuff in there) immediately wrote down what had happen. I grabbed my phone and  googled “broken rotting teeth dream meaning”. Yes I think your dreams mean something and yes I look them up. Sit back down. I know you do to.

Broken teeth:

Implies that aspects of yourself need to be corrected. It may be a metaphor as others can see the problem but you cannot. It could also mean that your mouth is getting yourself in trouble.

Crumbling teeth:

Fear of getting old. Or growing old too quickly.

Spitting out teeth:

Admitting something that you may have held back on that may have or still is causing you stress. 

So I  rolled over in bed and thought about what they hell is my subconscious up to? So I need to correct something, I fear getting old and I have held back of something that is causing me stress; apparently.

I was thinking about a conversation I had yesterday with a gentleman (though he wont call himself that) about some trouble he is going through. I listened and offered some comments but when I was speaking to him I 100% understood his feelings. So I am going to offer this to you and the universe on what we should do.

Currently this lovely chap just cannot be bothered. He is on the most boring roller coaster in the world and right now the ride will not end. The roller coaster is flat. He is going through the motions while others around him seem to be having the time of their life. The question raised consistently was “how do I be happy?”. As simple as that seems you are talking to someone who is doing what he loves on a daily bases. The problem is he can’t seem to catch the ’emotions boat’.

And honestly that is the most terrifying thought. More than teeth falling out.

If you could have it all but not feel a thing.

We were sitting in his car, in the dark waiting when he quietly said to me “I am so close to falling apart and I am scared that if I do I won’t come back together”. He said to me that he was doing and saying things he never done before. Things that are just not him.

That feeling of being on the edge and looking over the drop and thinking, that  is a long way down and there is no way back up from down there. That sicking feeling of being out of control and yet you look like Buddha on the outside.

Yes, you know it. Even if it was for a short period of time or for those endless months. The worst thing for me was knowing that no one could help me. I was on my own and though I knew people would be there for me, they aren’t at 4am when you wake because you can’t help but think you are a failure because you can’t do the one human thing of  feel.

Humans are designed to feel a whole range of emotions and when you can’t do that the isolation is just overwhelming. Nothing like standing in a crowded room and feeling like you want to run away from it all and be alone because these people just piss you off but they are some of your closest friends.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that falling apart is something that must happen to all of us. That you have to be awake at 4am to understand that the city falls asleep at night and that a crowed room can be the worst thing to walk in on.

And my advice for this young man is a quote from C. Joybell C.

I think that we are like stars. Something happens to us to burst open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we were before.

Please believe that falling doesn’t always mean that you wont get back up.

15 More Life Hacks

Life hacks are defined by urban dictionary as;

A tool or technique that makes some aspect of one’s life easier or more efficient.

We meet again. The lazy inner girl in me and the outside world expectations. I thought we would just note some of the hacks that I have discovered.

  1. When doing laundry just put all t-shirts on coat hangers. You won’t have to fold them after and they will not crease.
  2. Put all your important items next to the door. I put my wallet, keys, phone and diary so I can pick them up and go and it makes me double-check I have them.
  3. If you are the first one up in the morning then put toast in the toaster and coffee in a cup. Then you can just put the toast down and turn the kettle on.
  4. Use a tick tack box to keep all of your bobby pins in one place.
  5. Extra plunger coffee?? Put it into an ice-cube tray and freeze. Top with milk when you want a cold coffee.
  6. Give someone a plant as a gift. If they do not water it you can call them a savage killer.
  7. Think push ups are too easy? Slow them down so that it takes 4 seconds to go down and 4 seconds to come up. Then tell me they are too hard. Strong is the new sexy.
  8. Moving house? Put together a bag of things you will need the first night. Toothbrush, hair brush, towel, change of clothes, medication, chargers and a speaker so you can jam to tunes.
  9. Make your wardrobe colour coordinated. If you don’t know what is in your wardrobe then you should have a clear out.
  10. DOWNLOAD Sleep Cycle App. You can thank me later when you have only had four hours sleep.
  11. If you are over the age of 14 then you should have a diary. It may be March but it is never too late to start.
  12. Keep a jar inside of your car. Place all loose change in as you find.
  13. Feeling stressed. Place your legs up the wall and lie on your back.
  14. Always check the shoe. For spiders and cockroaches. (Thanks Kerryanne)
  15. Get Uber. Public transport is never sweeter.

There are more life hacks to be found, for guys https://hiddenunderthecovers.wordpress.com/2015/03/09/10-guy-hacks/ and for girls https://hiddenunderthecovers.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/10-girl-hacks-you-need-to-know/.

I will keep looking for new hacks for you lovely creatures! Keep your eyes peeled for sneaky blog posts…there may be one below.

 

 

Hacks for Home Sickness

Its not something I guess your parents prepare you for. When they raised you they never thoughts you would fly the nest. But alas you are now many miles away doing what ever brought you there when suddenly it occurred to you that your home sick.

It was in my first year at university when I fell sick and I was curled up in my single bed when I began to realise that all I wanted was my mum to walk in through the door and hand me marmite toast and some pain relief, to call my work and tell them I won’t be coming in because I am sick. But nope, I was alone in a tiny room dying of a cold and being a pussy.

Its one thing to be away from your family but its also another thing to be almost trapped in the city you live in. For those who are a long but realistic   drive away or a 30 minute plane ride GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.

So you all understand why I am writing this. Seren is sad. I have not been home in 10 months now and still haven’t booked flights. Home sickness is the real deal and when I get home I am going to cuddle the shit out of everyone there.

So some hacks.

  1. Bring a small memento from home. For me its a jar of sand from my local beach.
  2. Cook meals your family makes. A roast, spag bowl, soup. Anything.
  3. Have a photo of your home town or your family and put that up somewhere you see it every day.
  4. Call, Skype, email, message, text, send a falcon. Stay in touch.
  5. Book travel time to go home. (I fucked up there)
  6. When you are home sick don’t shove it away because you become a shit head.
  7. Read your ‘local’ newspaper online.
  8. Catch up with people from your home town.
  9. Eat food from home. (This may or may not be an excuse to eat pics peanut butter.)
  10. Plan for your trip home and all the things you want to do.

Its looking like a $600 trip to get home so if someone want to kindly donate to my sad fund let me know. But on the plus side my stunning sister is coming up next week and I am more than excited to see her. And now that I am no longer at university I will be posting more and I know I say that every single time. But its December and great things are happening from this laptop.

 

 

40 Things I Wish I Knew At 17.

Hello 17 year old self.

You naive, open armed, little girl.

Prepare yourself.

  1. Being brave doesn’t always look as it seems. Speaking up and asking for help is brave.
  2. You are strong. You can walk away.
  3. Your family will have your back. Even your dorky dad.
  4. Tea can heal wounds that time can’t.
  5. Laugh, hard.
  6. Kiss that boy, in the photo booth. You will be friends till this day. He’s more nervous than you.
  7. The popular girls do not give a shit. And neither should you. Just wait.
  8. Your boyfriend is not going to marry you. He’s going to marry another girl.
  9. Learn to stand your ground.
  10. Soak up the Nelson summer sun.
  11. Your heart will heal.
  12. You will forgive yourself.
  13. Wear that damn dress with the slit in the leg.
  14. Ruby will only be tiny once.
  15. Lay down on the couch a few more times.
  16. Clear your room out.
  17. Drop the act of being tough.
  18. Tell Mrs. Smith that she is wrong.
  19. Tell Dad that your still his little girl after all of this.
  20. Eat more chocolate.
  21. Leave your job for somewhere else.
  22. Hold your head high. Your not what they say.
  23. Go to the river more.
  24. Do more things that scare you.
  25. This storm will pass.
  26. You will learn that you are someones beautiful.
  27. He was a dick head. He still is 4 years later.
  28. Take a nap.
  29. You got this.
  30. Making long lists of things to do makes your life easier in the future.
  31. Nelson will not change.
  32. This is not the end.
  33. The ball is not that important.
  34. You already have the most amazing friends.
  35. Boys are bloody c**ts.
  36. Your boobs will grow.
  37. Being tall isn’t lame.
  38. Eat what you want.
  39. Wear more sunscreen.
  40. Stop being a little bitch about what you want to say.

If you knew me when I was 17 I was running wild after being set loose from a relationship. I was focused on the next step in my life and all the things I had to do to get there. I was crawling my way of out of depression and finding out who I was as a person. Looking back I laugh and cringe at what I was like when I was 17. Just between you and I I still cringe at myself cause I am a weird person. I have just over two weeks to create a piece for choreography, find a new house to live, finish university, sort out my summer plan and survive the next 4 weeks without dying. Anyho, its FRIDAY. I have so much s**t to do. K. Bye.

What is it like to have a sassy personality?

So I am writing this as I wait for my tan to dry. Its August and Im a pale bitch who needs some sun kissed skin. Now it occurred to me that my Q&A might not be a roaring success cause all you people (sitting there reading this slumped behind your laptops) know me well enough. Well you curious bastards this is what you get and if you don’t like it well then don’t keep reading.

Your still here aren’t ya?

Well, shall we answer the question about being sassy?

Definition:

Sassy 

possessing the attitude of someone endowed with an ungodly amount of cool.
Now more often than not I get told that I am so sassy.
That I have a sassy pony tail (what ever that means)
That my jokes are so sassy (I make terrible jokes)
That I approach life with sass (mmmm k.)
Heres a something that really happened. I had a performance review somewhere and they told me I was too sassy. What does that even translate to? As in how do I walk away from this conversation? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? On the scale of sassiness where do I score? 1 being a weak toddler who just wants a cookie to 10 which is a woman in the middle of a fight presenting information from 2 years ago with specific dates and times. Can you please place me on the scale because I am not dealing with this amount of grey.
Now don’t get me wrong having sass is not wrong. Do what you want with the damn word. I would agree I am sassy but of course always in a good way. I sit here now writing a few shades browner and confused about where the hell this bit of writing is going but alas we must continue.
The best quote that I was given to me by a male who thought he would let me know that I have a sexy bum. Conversation went like this.
I was walking through a super market picking up dinner when suddenly la wild man appears (we were in the tea section)
Man: Damn girl.
Seren: Excuse me?
M: You have a sexy bum.
S: Who asked for your opinion?
M: I thought I would give my input.
S: You thought wrong mate.
M: Im not your mate but I can be?
S: How about you just f**k off back to your shopping?
M: Girl, don’t be like that. You ain’t gonna to get a man like that.
*Seren takes a step forward to said man*
S: You need to get off what ever boat your own. F**k back off to the hole you crawled out off.
You are just a disappointment to society.
M: Calm your tits sassy girl.
*Seren now pointing and raising her voice.
S: I swear to god I will ruin you. If you don’t turn around and continue with your poor tea selection.
*Man makes Pssssh noise and turns around*
LE WILD SEREN FINDS SECURITY
*See man being escorted out of the supermarket.*
Honestly cat calling isn’t okay. BUT THATS ANOTHER DAY KAAAAAAAY.
I couldn’t explain what it is like to be ‘sassy’ but it is apart of me, I guess. The word will probably die out and something else will come to replace it then I will be that but for now I am a sassy 20 year old. But its empowering to know that people almost fear what will come out of your mouth though your a lady. (Sorry Dad about my language.)
Look be who ever you want. Just be a kind human being. Be proud of you. I mean I can poach an egg now and can adult. My life is working out with a touch of sassiness. So I will flick my pony tail and take my sad jokes with me and be fine. Your welcome. From me. XOXO Gossip Goat.
p.s this place is bloody funny.
 http://thesassiestplace.tumblr.com