Let us go back in time. To the first ever Tinder date I went on.
And by date I really mean coffee.
You see in the beginning I was rather tame. I was the girl who got asked out. Don’t worry I got rid of that very naive girl.
Because of this experience.
We shall call this guy, Tim.
He is a financial advisor and in his late 20’s.
And as they all are, he was lovely. Very friendly and not a murderer. Tim didn’t know that he was my first ever Tinder date.
Tim got an early coffee date in Ponsonby on a Wednesday.
Giving you some backstory here, I had drunkenly agreed to meet Tim in a club one evening but instead went home by passing the McDonalds on Great North Road, crawled into bed with a cheeseburger (WITHOUT PICKLE BECAUSE THAT IS THE DEVILS FOOD) and went to sleep. I woke up to many messages and a sore head.
Needless to say, I said sorry and made a new time.
So I have been running around all morning, working and doing errands, Tim and I have finally agreed on a place and a time.
1pm on Ponsonby Road.
Its now 12.42pm and my phone is at 1%.
Yeah, yeah, we know now that the universe was trying to give me a sign – WHICH I CLEARLY DIDNT TAKE.
So being the smart gal that I am, I use my car’s clock, wait until 12.45 pm and head into the cafe.
Being nervous I thought it would take 15 minutes for me to walk from my car to the cafe.
Girl. It was a 60-second walk.
But that doesn’t matter because I checked my watch.
Which I look at to see that it is not working.
Yes, yes sign number two.
WE GET IT.
I order a coffee and find a seat. Because I don’t want to be late when I had stood him up that weekend.
Now I will tell you time does not move more slowly than when you are waiting for a Tinder date.
So I get halfway through my latte when a tall guy in a full suit strolls through the door.
I smile and he walks over.
And before I can even stand up to give him a hug and apologize for standing him up that one time.
“Why did you not pick up your phone when I called you?”
Now listen, we literally had not even said hello yet.
My first words to him in the flesh are.
“My phone died.”
And just like the millennial generation, we are he fired back with:
To which I pressed the home button of my phone multiple times to show how it just wasn’t working.
And like a three-year-old, he snatched it out of my hands and tried himself.
Now I was taught never to snatch and never to take anything that wasn’t yours.
But I think Tim missed those lessons because he’s now trying to turn on my very dead phone.
He shrugs and asks me if I have a drink and at this point, I don’t want to give him any of my time so I just point to my coffee and offer the fakest smile my body could conjure up.
Tim starts a conversation in regards to me flaking on him the other weekend and I take the opportunity to apologize and say that it would not have been a good idea anyway.
Then the waitress walks over.
And Tim ask if I would like a drink and I re-point at my coffee. He then orders a whisky and ginger ale.
Now whisky can be cool. But he asks me if I want a proper drink. Reminder, its 1pm on a Wednesday.
Here is an insight to all of you, listen to people when they tell you what they have planned for the day.
I would love a drink but guess what, I have to go and take care of small humans, drive them around and then go and do my third job later that evening.
No thank you Tim.
Then it occurred to me, I will have no idea what the time is or when can I can get the hell out of this situation. I can’t even check in to say that I haven’t been murdered or take a fake phone call.
So I think to myself, this is your first ever time and you should just give Tim a chance. Think about the other person Seren and then I realise Tim is talking and I really haven’t been listening. This Tinder dating thing is not as easy as I was expecting. I am not like a duck to water this time. I am a duck to a dessert, confused to how I even got to this.
So I chime into the conversation and ask the normal questions of how is work going and have you has it been busy.
I ask him a question about himself to which he responds with “oh, I am a really laid back guy”. What I am seeing in front of me is this.
A dude who goes to the gym 6 days a week, wakes up at 9am and goes to work around 2pm, is covered in gold jewellery. By covered I mean; gold watch, gold rings, a gold bangle and a gold chain. He also is smoking and offers me one to which I politely decline.
And out of the blue, he straight up asks me when I see myself getting married. Listen, buddy, I don’t know what I am having for dinner tonight let alone when I want to get married. All I know is that it’s not going to be to you and now I have finished my coffee and should really go but the conversational flow is definitely not leaning that way so I just say fuck it to another $5 and 30 minutes of my time and order another coffee.
I have no idea what time it is and the waitress has no idea that I would love her to save me but we can all just pretend that this is all going better than it looks.
Skip ahead in the conversation, he’s on his third cigarette and second whisky and I now know he’s looking to settle down. I ask a very difficult question. “Why do you find yourself single?”
The response sealed the deal. Put the nail in the coffin and made me delete the app for about a week because I had forgotten that men like this actually exist.
“I guess I am single because I want someone who will fit into my life. I don’t see myself changing because my life is great.”
And just like a scene from Limitless, I watched the next phase of my potential life play out. I’ll give you a sneak peak, it doesn’t end well. I cook chicken, steam broccoli and give up all my aspirations for a man who likes to wear too many gold accessories.
So I asked for the time, fake gasped like any good woman knows how to do and made it so believable that I just had to run because I couldn’t miss the school pick up even though it was 2.15pm.
I’m pretty sure he never figured out I was lying because he asked to meet again. And I said I was busy for the next while. I mean I was, busy building a life that wouldn’t give up.
Fun fact, I saw Tim in a club many moons later and even then he said we should go and get coffee. I also think Tim has coffee and whisky very confused.