A friendly reminder that all names except my own are changed for anonymity. Be sure to read part one for the full story.
I woke up in the morning, got ready for work and mentally prepared myself for the day that lay ahead of me.
As I walked out of the coffee store with my triple shot in hand Harry had messaged me.
“Hey, sorry I was actually calling to have ‘the talk’ but I psyched myself out of it. I’m in a headspace where I feel like we might need to part ways. I think you’re really amazing but I’m also feeling like I might be getting in too deep to be able to maintain my cowboy bachelor lifestyle. You’re very smart so I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter?”
The way I almost dropped my coffee and came to a raging holt in the middle of the footpath.
I knew today was going to be tough. But shit, I didn’t think it would be from Harry.
“Hey, appreciate you coming to me with this. I have back to back meetings today and a weeks worth of emails to catch up on. For me this conversation needs to be had in person as I’m struggling to understand. Let’s meet tomorrow, not at yours to discuss.”
I may have replied concisely but my eyes were welling up.
“Sounds good. Good luck with the backlog, you got this!”
What did I do wrong?
And I lingered on that question for a long while.
I called Laura and Cherry and told them what was going on.
Both of them were shell shocked.
Laura said I should just focus on work today. Nothing can be done until you get more information.
We need more data.
I asked Cherry if I had fucked up at the party? If it was a mistake bringing him? If I had said something?
She said she didn’t understand like me. That everything at the party between Harry and myself seemed more than okay. That after we left all the friends gathered and agreed Harry was the real deal.
So off I went into my back to back meetings.
When I finally arrived at the end of the day my mind came back to Harry.
I send him a message at the end of the day “Ah what a day! Hope yours was wonderful. Do you have any plans for tomorrow??”
The strategy here was to establish how tomorrow will play out.
“I’m happy for you to come here but I’m picking that you’ll probably be a bit sad when you leave. So it’s your call really. You might not be sad, you might have an empowering sense of freedom!? We can still have a good time but I do get the feeling we’re looking for different things”
“Seems as though you have done some further thinking from this morning?”
“Not really, it was after the party really. I think you’re friends are great but it made me realize I’m in a different phase of life and although I’m not looking to settle down at the moment, if I was too it would need to be with someone who was also in a similar place to me. Does that make sense?”
Oh there is so much to unpack here.
“I’m getting some really mixed messages here which is making it really hard for me to understand. You’re saying you want to continue your cowboy bachelor lifestyle. Then you want the option to settle down (at some point). From my point of view I’m seeing two separate visions so it’s not making a lot of sense. Now that isn’t a bad thing, but what is making me feel uneasy is that your making assumptions on behalf of me.”
“Gemini baby”
SORRY?
What.
You are pulling a horoscope card on me.
When in the fuck did men weaponise star signs?
Also my best friend is a gemini, so take a seat sir.
Listen this line alone demands merch. Hoodies, keyrings, hats, t shirts, a flag I can fly.
GEMINI BABY
But he continues.
“Basically I see the best in you and I love it but I know the longer we continue this, the more I’m gonna hurt you and you’re actually far to good of a person for me to do that. I love being loved but when people are in love with me, it always ends badly. Someone once said I leave a trail of empty bottles, pie wrappers and broken hearts wherever I go. You’re way to lovely to be part of that problem. It’s sounds very conceded but at the moment, it’s where I’m at. I get caught up in people’s beauty and intelligence, I try not too, I try to tell people I’m not looking for love but then at the same time I wear my heart on my sleeve and suck them in, then I freak out and back away. I’m really sorry for doing that to you.”
I read through this three times. Then decided I would call him. He doesn’t pickup.
“Can we talk?”
“Can’t sorry, I can only really speak my truth via the written word. When I hear your voice I will buckle. Sorry.”
He continues…
“You’re still welcome to come over and see my house, I can show you a really good time in dirty old (suburb where he lives but I wont reveal) but you need to be able to love without being in love. If you can do that, I’m all yours. Well not all yours on the whole but all yours when I’m with you.
Everyone has a brutally mean streak, this is mine. End of flappy rant.”
And my years of therapy kick in.
“I can understand that having conversations over the phone/in person can be immensely challenging and your need right now is that you need to be heard. You make the assumption that ‘this’ is all going to end up in tears and in a trail of destruction but that isn’t how I feel. From what I am reading you are only wanting to accept the love you think you deserve and after your past experiences it seems to me like you may be scared right now. That is my assumption.”
Swinging it hard for a home run with “However, I will not let a man tell me twice that he does not want me. If that is the bottom line then I hear you.”
Because that is what it comes down to. You wont find me on my knees begging for a man to be mine.
My frontal lobe has now developed.
His response was as follows “Its not about deserving love, its about my capacity to reciprocate what I am given. When I meet someone who I’m willing to drop this lifestyle for, I will be deserving of them. I think you’re amazing and I would love to be a small part on the sideline of your life forever but I don’t think our trajectory or personalities aligned enough to form a constant relationship without one of us becoming frustrated and/or begrudging. And its not that I “don’t want” you. I just don’t want all of anyone at the moment. I’m not ready to open myself up to it again and that’s what I fear will cause destruction. I might kick myself later but thats life”.
So things I took from this:
- A compliment saddled up with a ‘BUT’ is no longer a compliment.
- He doesn’t want anyone.
I replied “I feel disappointed you came to so many conclusions without me when I thought we had some great communication.”
And like a nail in the coffin he said “I only came to one conclusion. I don’t want to be anybody’s boyfriend and I don’t want to lead anybody on.”
On a Monday night at 11.25pm there was a line under it all. Clear as day. I didn’t need to reply. There was nothing to say.
I put my alarm on for the next morning and slipped into a slumber after I had updated Cherry of how it had all wrapped up.
Another one bites the dust.
Oh how I look forward to explaining how to pronounce my name to the next man.
“No, its not Sarah, its Seren. Sear-rin.”
And whilst you thought that may be the end of the story.
It is not.
It never is.
I woke up and checked my phone.
3 missed calls, 8 messages from Cherry.
She was asking for me to call her as soon as I woke up.
The crusty bits in my eyes still needed to be wiped from my eyes when she was calling again.
I said hello and she said “Harry messaged me.”
Now listen, Harry would be the sort of man to message a friend to look out for me. It was the kindness in him that I was so attracted to.
“Oh I say. What did he say? Was it about the fact he doesn’t want to date me anymore?”
“Imma send you screen shots.”
I put her on speaker phone and what I read had my jaw on the floor.
At 12:16AM Harry said:
“Hey Cherry, we met at the cowboy party on Sat. I know I came with Seren and this might sound weird but after chatting with you, I realised I was at the party with the wrong person. I’d be keen to get a drink some time and get to know you better.”
This man went through my Facebook friends list, found Cherry and then messaged her.
45 minutes after he said to me “I don’t want to be anybody’s boyfriend and I don’t want to lead anybody on.”
45 MINUTES.
The audacity.
Cherry replied at 7.30am “Hey Harry, sorry I’m not interested. Especially a situation that would complicate or jeopardise my friendship with a close mate. I do hope you have discussed this with Seren too before reaching out to me.”
“Nope, she’d probably be mortified. But I’ve told her we should probably part company. She’s far too good for me you see. Too kind, too sweet, too loving. Reaching out to you was a way of proving that to myself, sounds bizarre I know and definitely not my usual style of going about things. And also I thought you particularly attractive.”
“I want no part in whatever game this is and I’m sorry if this comes across as a bit brash but sounds like some therapy would do you some good, rather than acting on your instinct to try and validate this type of behaviour. Good luck to you and I’ll leave it at that, so please don’t send me anymore messages.”
The way I am reading this out loud to Cherry screaming “If I am all of these things what the fuck does that mean for you? That you aren’t kind, sweet or loving? What the fuck. Also, you handled this like an absolute weapon.”
She wanted me to know that absolutely nothing happened between her and Harry and there was not a single doubt in my mind as Harry was next to me the entire night except when I was with Cherry at the very beginning of the night. They were never alone together, I was there for their conversations.
She had blocked him before our phone call.
Cherry and I honestly could not believe the audacity of this man. I did not need coffee this morning, I was wide awake.
What in the fuck is my life. What in the fuck bullet had I just dodged.
Then Harry messaged me.
The way I almost threw my phone across the room.
He said “Probably best if we cancel tonight. You’re gonna make some lucky man very happy but it’s not me. Sorry to do this via messenger, dick move I know. I hope you’re not too bummed but truth is, you can do muuuuuuch better. All the very best and thanks for the excellent company and being a spectacular person in general.”
I replied “Cherry told me everything, I agree with her. Go to therapy.”
We never spoke again after that morning.
His screenshots were sent to my friends from the party with a warning never to interact with him.
If you think there is any reality where women don’t talk to each other about the person they are dating then you need to get a new grip on reality.
Or that they would give up friendship for a man who slides into the DMs 45 minutes after saying he doesn’t want to be anyones boyfriend or lead anyone on.
Harry showed me aspects of what I want in a man.
Harry was also delusional.
Gemini baby.
Hidden Under The Covers 